The Imaginary Hole

The imaginary hole is an adaptation of almost true events brought together in a single golf hole played by eight golfers.


The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

THE TEE SHOT

First on the tee, obviously with the honour is the young man team.

First to stroll up is the honorary young team captain, Matthew Pinsent. His muscular frame takes time to measure up the shot and study the options ahead. He addresses the ball and the vision is a joy to behold, identical to the perfect set up. His grip, stance and body all demonstrate a sight the golfing gods would have been proud of. A measured and controlled swing sees the ball rise majestically with a gentle draw up the middle of the fairway. Matthew is delighted with the tee shot. Position A. He strolls off the tee, chest puffed out proud of his accomplishment. Cries of good shot echo round the tee except for Barry Ferguson who greets the Olympian with the usual “tutt” and shake of the head. Fergie feels the Olympian was lucky with that shot and disappointed the tee flew forwards rather than backwards.

Next up is Lineker. The morning sun rises over the horizon and reflects beautifully on Lineker’s trousers, the shine and glint daze the players. His face has a tone of purple as the pressure of the under armour squeezes every ounce of body fat upwards. He looks a touch like a massive walking hard-on. He swings slowly and cracks what can only be described as a low, hooking, high fade shot, one which the tour has become accustomed to.

The Hoff is next and strolls on to the tee. Three seconds later he is strolling back. There are cries of “Settle !!!”. The ball travels miles but in completely the wrong direction. The Hoff gives no regard to direction, it is all about distance. He strolls of the tee delighted of avoiding another round of gins and launching another effort beyond the horizon.

Barry Ferguson is last up for the Young Man’s Team. His attire is somewhat unusual. His polo shirt sports 17 separate buttons, zips and mini pockets and his trousers, well his trousers are what only can be described as tartan meets paisley pattern. Fergie has already informed the tour that this is the new fashion so nobody need say anything.

The Old man team are next up.

Grange Hill’s Roland is first to take to the tee. He walks uneasy. It is 9.30 in the morning and he has only done 7 turds. Will he make it round the course intact. He enters his golf bag and pulls out the antique travel sweetbox which has the capability of holding his sacred brush tees. A fine shot follows from the George Galloway look a like.

Declan Donnelly is next on the tee. Head to toe in designer beige. Ralph Lauren polo shirt, Boss shorts and Armani socks. The whole outfit costs just $10 dollars on his latest Far East trip. His thoughts also turn to his rear end. He has only got 17 pair of pants left and 22 pairs of socks and he still has one more night. How will he manage!! It is a particularly cold morning today, however it is May and shorts will be worn. Another fine shot is followed with customary “oohing and aahing” as he clutches his back.

Dwayne Dibley limps on to the tee, literally. His style is unique. Mrs Dibley prides herself on arranging her husband’s clothes in a careful manner and ensuring that he has adequate quantities to wear for the duration of the tour. Little does she know that Dwayne wears all the clothes at one time. He has an array of tops on, all of different lengths and somehow each top has a portion that enjoys the limelight. There appears to be 3 different colours showing with a mix of arm lengths. The customary Rib Sauce down the front is shown on the outside top, but still in a certain light you can see the faint “JUST DO IT” slogan.

Anthony McParlin is next on the tee. He doesn’t care much for tees. In his eyes this is the worst part of golf. The furthest point away from the green, where once again he can be reunited with his lovely, lovely putter. He thinks of the short grass, the feel of inserting his marker into the soft short gross and perhaps even repairing a pitchmark or two. This particularly hole is worse than most. It is a blind hole so will involve a fair bit of walking prior to getting sight of the green.

THE APPROACH SHOT

As the group reach the brow of the hill it appears that all balls have somehow ended up in a row on the middle of the fairway. They are all left with around 160 yards into the green and in front of the green runs a small burn. The side of the green is well protected with an array of bunkers and some gorse at the back.

The Young Man Team discusses the options ahead. It is after all a team game and whatever assistance and encouragement the players can provide each other will only help in the pursuit of yet another win for the team.

Fergie isn’t for chat though and proceeds to draw out a 5 iron. He decides the best shot is the high five and leans back taking aim for the high trajectory shot. The club smashes through the ball and on route to the green the ball travels circa 70 yards without every getting above 12 inches from the ground. The ball begins to trundle towards the green and then travels over the rickety bridge running up to around 10 feet from the hole. Fergie in his wisdom had decided not to hit the high 5 iron, instead opting for the very, very clean shot as an alternative.

Lineker is up next and is concerned about the shot ahead. He is not used to playing from short grass with a clear view. He imagines a giant Oak tree is in his way and manages to hook a six iron, which lands around pin high travelling on to the rear of the green.

Olympian Matt Pinsent is next and opts to lean on a 7 iron hoping to play with the fun offered by the burn at the front. He is delighted to see the ball only slightly carry the burn and then backspin on second bounce into the drink. Definitely one for the TV camera and Pinsent is delighted with the spectacle he has bestowed on his fellow Tourers. Fergie “tutts” and shakes the head.

The Hoff is next. On a good day he could maybe get there with an 8 iron. The wind is in his face though and he needs to be sensible as he is enjoying a stroke at this hole. He decides the safe route is to leather a wedge as hard as he possibly can. His pre shot routine ensues. He looks at the ball and mutters…..“I’m going kill you. I’m gonna knock the white paint off your sorry ass. You’re getting it”. The ground tremors and for a short time the whole group are blinded. They can’t see a thing. It is completely dark, total blackout. Then after what seems an eternity, the divot taken by the Hoff falls to the ground once again revealing daylight to all. The divot lands and covers the whole of the burn just in time for the ball to land and hop forward to the green. The Hoff is happy with the divot size and takes a puff of his carrot as reward.

The approach shots are discussed among the Old Man team. Well when I say discussed, Declan Donnelly tells everyone what they are hitting.

First up is Grange Hill’s Roland. They all watch as he addresses the ball and without movement the ball disappears from sight from all in the crowd. In disbelief the Tourers look at each other for a plausible explanation. Thankfully the Hoff was paying attention and with his eagle eyes confirmed that Rolly had indeed hit the shot, but the speed of the swing could not be spotted by normal human eyes.

Dwayne limps forward, literally. 3 wood for him. Slow swing back, slow swing forward. No ball movement whatsoever. Yes that’s right folks the doctor has come a calling. He changes club to 3 iron and soars a beauty towards the green.

Anthony McParlin can now smell the green. He can see it. A fine shot lands on the green, and before his 7 iron is returned to the bag, the putter is in hand. As he walks off he begins caressing the putter. Its not long until it’s putting time.

Last up for the Old Man team is Declan Donnelly. He selects a seven iron and creams one directly on to the green, giving a good birdie chance. He had a fair few drinks last night and the effort of the shot has resulted in what he suspects was more than just a fart in his pants. There is definitely some liquid there. For most people the immediate reaction would be one of embarrassment and hope that the accident had passed by without notice, but not our Declan. He whips his trousers down and proceeds to remove his Y Fronts. As thought, there is a clear brown skid for all to enjoy. He wraps the Y’s round his juice bottle and proceeds to offer each every player a drink. To not drink is the height of Jessiness !!!. All competitors opt to be classed as a Jessie!!!.

As the approach the green there is a level of discussion over dinner plans for the evening.

Dwayne had enjoyed the Ribs and Fajitas last night and recommends them to all. He has decided that tonight he will be having Ribs and Fajitas. Lineker is also swayed by the Ribs and fajitas. A Pint of Lager for young Lineker and a pint of ale for Dwayne

Fergie is unsure but opts for the salad starter followed by the salad main course, with a half pint of shandy. He is still raging after a £1.75 tip was left for the waitress, chef and bar staff last night. Nobody tips him after all !!!

Ant and Dec are inseparable when it comes to dining. Crab cakes to start with a bottle of 1979 Sancerre each, followed by stake pie and a wholesome 93 Chianti each. Side orders of Cheesy Bread, Onion Rings, Wedges, Chateux Neuf du Pape, Shiraz and Chenin Blanc are also ordered. They will have 2 pints of Real Ale to keep them going (each) in the meantime.

Roland opts for the salmon starter, and the steak pie main course. He’ll have a pint of ale and “wouldn’t mind a wee glass of the wine ordered by Ant and Dec”. He will not be permitted and therefore discusses the sharing of a half carafe of the House White with Fergie.

Olympian Matt Pinsent has the Pate and Lasagne with a Pint of Lager and Morgan’s chaser.

The Hoff is unsure about drink and food. He opts for the a pear cider and another one of those gins. Food is nachos to start and a burger for main course.

TO BE CONTINUED……………………………